As I try to pen down the reason of my death,
I think of the times I laughed and lived,
But I can’t recall any.
I try not to write names or blame any soul,
but I cannot stop thinking about those times when my own people hurt me so much that I had to write this letter.
I put down the pen next to the paper that shall become just an evidence soon.
I try to tell myself, would anyone even read it?
They couldn’t read all these years when I was infront of them, breathing,
how would they read and know the feelings of a person lying in the coffin.
This will be the last episode of the getting bullied series of my childhood. Doesn’t mean that these were the only things.
As the title says, yes, I was bullied even for the short hair. My mother never let me have long hair as a child. I don’t blame her for this. I blame the mindset of the society that wants a female to have long hair in order to be included in the realms of society, doesn’t matter which age you belong to. Even a child isn’t spared.
And this practise of inclusion/exclusion is not limited to one gender but both.
How silly it would be to wake up as a human one day and you’re given this handbook of guidelines according to your gender, and you are commanded to follow all these otherwise you shall be an outcast.
My book of guidelines is still sitting there in the corner of my table, with only few pages read and few pages torn.
The second episode of me getting bullied in school and how it changed my mind, forever.
The 14 year old me standing near the desk, checking her notebook during the recess.
A girl comes running to me and ran her hand quickly over my chest and shouted “flat chest”.
Now that I recall it, I laugh with a certain suppressed anger inside me. That I wish I could have voiced out but I didn’t.
I can only remember the laughs people had on me.
I laughed along.I thought they were laughing with me. But there is a thick line of laughing with you and on you. I never could define that line. I still can’t. I was never enough for the society, my body wasn’t falling in the guidelines set by them.
I never realized or understood that my body doesn’t belong to them.
“Something is wrong with me”, the 14 year old told herself, as she looked into the mirror with teary eyes.
” I wish I was enough “
Thank you everyone to show such love and support in the last episode. It truly means a lot. And also thank you for understanding that I am not trying to seek attention but spreading a kind of awareness by my piece of life. Many of you might also have gone through the same journey that shouldn’t have happened at all and which still affects your thoughts. If you have grown out of it, you are a strong person. And if you are still going through it, like me, you are also a strong person. Much love. ❤️
This is a kind of series that I thought of starting. Here, I will narrate the real life stories of how I was bullied in school. And how it shaped my mind.
“You are a stick”.
First of all, all bodies, all shapes and all humans matter.
I was extremely skinny when I was in school. And humans tend to be mean to things that are “different”, that stray away from the path of conventional beauty. Due to my frail body, I was bullied by my own friends. And all of these made me hate my own self, my own body.
Now you may say they were kids but so was I. My body couldn’t fit the “right” way as it was meant to be. But it was not just the kids but also the mature and qualified teachers. Even they didn’t leave any stones unturned to body shame me.
“Boys like thick thighs, you know” someone told to the 13 year old me. And I just stood their scorning my thin legs.
Every day I would pray for some miracle to get the body of that popular girl in school.
Just to be accepted?
After all these years, I have somewhat accepted my body, I have started loving my body. But there is still that 13 year old inside me crying for a miracle to be accepted by those who hated me for my body, for something that I had no control over whatsoever.
Instead of my usual sad poetry today I would be talking about these two animes that made me cry, ponder over situations and feel those things that I never knew existed.
1. Grave of the Fireflies
This 1988 movie is based on the life of two orphaned siblings stuck in the situation of the WWII. Nowhere to go, no food to eat and with no one except for each other. These anime made me cry because I knew that this can be, and is, real. And That during those times many people died. Many children became orphans in split seconds. The character of Seita and Setsuko almost feels alive, that is the magic of Anime.
Not giving any spoilers. But you should definitely watch this master piece.
2. In this Corner of the World
Set again in the time of WWII, the movie shows the hard time people had to go through. But unlike the former one this one adds a kind of cute-comical element. Which gives the sad part even more effect.
If you want to have a good cry and create a artsy scar in your heart, Watch these movies. ❤️❤️❤️
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